When you’re young you never imagine that you’ll one day be wearing bingo bags and granny shoes by choice.
(“Bingo bag” is slang for the big cotton panties that old ladies are thought to wear; it’s named after the big bag you put the numbers in when you’re playing bingo. “Granny shoes” are wide loafers with low heels.)
You think you’ll graduate from the mandatory cotton panties your mother made you wear when you were small, straight to lacy thongs and you’ll never look back. You think you’ll exchange your white patent leather Mary Janes for fabulous five-inch stiletto pumps forever.
The truth is, maybe not.
Did you know that wearing thongs increases your risk of getting bacterial and yeast infections? A yeast infection is when the normal fungal organisms in your vagina get out of control and cause you to itch and have abnormal discharge. It’s not fun. A bacterial infection in your vagina is similar but caused by different organisms; it is itchy and smelly too. Because of the way they are shaped and the way they fit, thongs can transfer bacteria from your bottom to your vagina, sometimes causing these infections and others.
As unattractive as they are, bingo bags are actually better for you. Cotton underpants allow air to reach your skin and they don’t trap moisture the way synthetic fabrics will. Loose fitting underpants are better for you for the same reason.
And high heels make you look all sexy, lengthening your legs and pushing your bottom up and out, giving you that curvy shape that is thought so desirable. The part nobody tells you is that wearing high heels can really damage your back, legs and feet. I’ve met women who wear heels all the time and they actually can’t wear flats anymore because their calf muscles have become shortened and it hurts to stretch them out. I’ve seen feet with corns on the toes and heels, and toes that have become misshapen from being pushed into high-heeled shoes every day, all day. Don’t talk about the nagging backache from that sexy shape. Granny shoes aren’t sexy, but they’re comfortable, they don’t hurt your back and they don’t hurt your feet.
One day, dawtah, you’ll have to buy your own undies and shoes. Go ahead and get the sexy thongs if you must. (Please choose cotton ones, or at least make sure it has a cotton gusset—the gusset is the part that fits over your vagina.) Get the stilettos if you absolutely have to. (Do ensure you buy them in your size.) But please also get some bingo bags and granny shoes. Wear the bingo bags to bed (or go commando: wear no underpants at all), and keep the granny shoes on hand for the days when you have to do a lot of walking or standing. Please don’t suffer for fashion. Granny knows best.